if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
