Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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