he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
