my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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