Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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