I'm going to jail i love you
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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