I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
