i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
