i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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