fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
