Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My liver just broke up with me...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
