My first STD was from a foam party
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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