She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
