Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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