M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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