I think I won the penis lottery.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
