eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
