I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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