first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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