I think my fart just growled at me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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