I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
