Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
