your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
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So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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