i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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