it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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