Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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