Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
