Even the bartender felt bad for me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
