Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
