Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
