fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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