WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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