The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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