dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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