Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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