I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
