True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
