I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
