Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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