We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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