oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
