I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
