Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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