Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
