Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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