Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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