Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
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i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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