We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
