and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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