I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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