I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
