I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
