So drunk its hurt
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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