I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
that is very illegal...i love you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
