I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
sex in a hospital.. check
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
