Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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